Two Steps Forward….

img_6960So you know what they say? Two steps forward, one step back? I long-jumped backwards. In my defense though, I had been running at a full sprint forwards for a while so I guess it caught up to me a bit. Performing as perfectly as possible forever isn’t realistic, I guess.

I’ve been having a hard time lately, and when I’m having a hard time, I’ve found my best way to deal with it is to blog. So i’m back. I took like a month long hiatus from blogging because i was distracted, but no more!

I’ve been lacking motivation and desire to workout and blog and do all of those things lately. I’ve still been making myself workout pretty regularly, but it’s just not fun for me right now. I need to work on getting back into a healthier mindset, but it’s not easy. It feels freaking impossible. I really need to work on keeping toxicity out of my life instead of letting it poison me from the inside out.

My priorities shifted away from the desire to excel and that really upsets me. Like i was blogging once a week, and now? It’s been so long! I’m not even nearly as motivated as I had previously been to bang out my freelance blogs (although i’m obviously still writing them regularly). I’m thinking it’s time for a mental reboot, but I’m not really sure how to do that other than start doing the things I need to do again. Blogging, working out, spending time with friends and family, saving money, working hard. Working hard makes me happy and I need to make sure to always do what makes me happy.

I decided I’m going to implement some new short-term goals for myself to help get back on track. 🙂 I figured that typing them out and sharing them with the world would help hold me accountable. (Feel free to call me out if you notice me slacking.) I’m writing out 5 goals for myself for the next few weeks that will hopefully get me back to where I need and want to be.

  1. Fall in love with working out again. Embrace the endorphins that come with working out, and use your beautiful workout group to find your way back to the healthy relationship you had with working out.
  2. Stop spending so freely. You’ve stopped so heavily focusing on your goal of moving to Florida and if you want that to happen, you need to continue to be smart with your spending habits.
  3. Get back into regular blogging, both freelance and personal. It’s a therapeutic habit and when you start slacking on that, you start losing focus.
  4. Learn to not be so hard on yourself. You’re your own biggest critic, and honestly, you need to learn how to chill out sometimes when it comes to beating yourself up when you muck up.
  5. Practice good self care. 🙂 Eat healthier, take care of yourself, do facemasks, paint your nails, etc. Do it all and do it with love!

Hopefully this blog wasn’t too dull or whatever for you to read. Sometimes I write for other people and sometimes I do it for myself. Today is a day for the latter.

Hope everyone has a great rest of their week.

xx – A

P.S. In the last few weeks, vacationed in Destin, Florida with my friends, turned 23, went home, spent the day at Six Flags, tubed the river, visited with a friend from Belgium, spent loads of time with friends (doing all of those activities), and made some amazing memories. Just a little update. 🙂

Assumptions

You know what they say….when you assume, you make an ass out of you and me! (Bad joke? Oh well!)
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I was in the mood for a little blog, but my dilemma was that I really have nothing to write about right now. So, I did what any normal person would do in this situation–I googled. (I now have a nice long list of blog prompts written down for future moments when I’m motivated without inspiration.)
One prompt that kind of stuck with me (partly because it was highlighted on the page, partly because I liked the idea of it) was “Write about the assumptions people make about you.” (I linked to the inspo website I found.)

You would assume that I don’t have many assumptions made about me. I am an upper-middle class, blonde, white female. Fairly standard, I agree. I don’t have obvious race related things assumed about me, and I am in no way trying to demean those assumptions, I just want to talk about the irritating assumptions I have noticed that people have made about me.

The first thing that came to my head when I think about assumptions made about me is “dumb blonde”. If you’re blonde, at least once in your life, someone has made a joke about you being a dumb blonde. I can’t be the only one who hates this. My hair color has no relation to my IQ. Never has, never will. I am smart, clever, quick-witted, and everything opposite of being a “dumb blonde.” Stop insulting people’s intelligence by basing your assumptions of them on their hair color. It’s stupid.
Another thing, you can absolutely be pretty AND smart. It’s a thing. Just because you care about your appearance and you put time into how you look, does not make you less intelligent. (It should make you look more intelligent honestly, because everyone knows appearances matter.) This kind of ties into the “blonde” thing, but it’s so true. Again, I’m sick of not being taken seriously based on how I look. It’s so frustrating.

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Now, for the sake of not ranting throughout the entirety of this blog, I’m going to convert to list form!! (I could honestly write a 3,000 word blog about this topic, for real!)

Things people assume about me:
  • That, because I’m middle class, I don’t struggle with money/finances. Wrong.
  • That, because I’m thin, I don’t eat. Wrong.
  • That, because I’m thin, I don’t work out and am not strong. Wrong.
  • That I live this “perfect life” based on what’s seen on social media. Wrong.
  • That, because I care about how I look, I’m shallow (or something). Wrong.
  • That, because I have and express feelings, I am weak. Wrong.
  • That, because I’m a woman, I am not as good at something. Wrong.
  • That, because I sometimes show off my body, I’m a slut. Wrong.
  • That, because my hair is an odd color (i.e. pink), I don’t deserve as much respect. Wrong.
  • That, because I’m young, I’m naïve and easily manipulated.
  • That, because I’m blonde, I am ditzy. (Had to say it again.) Wrong.
  • That, because I dress and look nice, I’m weak and can’t handle myself. Wrong. If I tell you I know how to play a sport, don’t laugh and try to explain to me that “it hurts when you get hit”. I know. I’ve played it.
  • That, because you’re a male, you know more than me. (See above.) Wrong.
  • That, because I’m being nice to you, I’m flirting. Wrong.
  • That, because you made assumptions, you think you know me. Wrong.

I’m sure some of you can relate to these assumptions being made about you, as well as plenty others that I’m sure have been made. It’s frustrating.

Hopefully this was even remotely interesting? LOL. Thanks for reading!

xx – A

 

 

Freakin’ Poetry, Man

If a poem hasn’t ripped apart your soul: you haven’t experienced poetry.”
-Edgar Allen Poe


It’s such a therapeutic thing for me. I know I’ve said it before, but seriously when my mind feels like it’s spiralling inward, I just try to focus on copying down poems into a journal and it calms me. It centers me. My emotions are no longer fluctuating sporadically, but rather are at the mercy of whatever I am reading and writing in that moment. I zone out and feel whatever the poet wants me to feel, and I absolutely love it. I love it so damn much.

I cooked dinner and drank wine with a friend who is also a fan of poetry last night, and she recommended some poets for me to check out. I wasn’t a huge fan of all of them, but one stood out to me once I started doing some digging–Lang Leav. I had read some of her stuff before, but I never truly immersed myself in her work. Until today.

And holy shit, I am enamored. Her poetry is almost too emotionally powerful for me to read sometimes–it’s insane! I have actually had to sit back and close my journal a few times because I needed to take another minute or two to consider what I had just read.

Small detail, I rarely read an entire poem before I decide to write it down. I tend to read just the title and first few lines, then I start copying it down. This makes it that much more powerful as I figure out what it’s really about as I go along. Some poems take a twist that I didn’t expect, and some are exactly what I expect them to be. I am constantly baffled by poetry’s ability to fluctuate so heavily.

I also don’t just copy down every poem I see. I am actually fairly critical of the things I want to dedicate my time and energy to copying down. They have to make me feel and I have to find a way to really relate to them right now. So lately, I haven’t had any inclination whatsoever to write down any sappy love poems even though I’ve read some truly beautiful ones. They’re not what I want to read right now.

So anyways, here’s some poems that I felt like sharing today. Some are from Lang Leav and the other are from my favorite, Erin Hanson (or “e.h.”).

Enjoy!

xx – A

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More Poetry

Sorry if this is uninteresting, it’s been such a focus in my life right now, I can’t even go a day without wanting (needing?) to read some poetry. It’s just so soothing, okay?! 

This past weekend was Easter weekend, obviously, and my mom got me the most amazing gift–a book of poems by the poet Atticus, who as you know if you read my last blog, is one of my favorites. I didn’t go through it immediately after she gave it to me, I have certain moments during the day in which I like to read poetry. Instead of me going through it, my mom offered to thumb through and read some of the poems to me, which I readily accepted. (Having poems read to you is almost as great as writing them down yourself.)

You see, the thing I love about poetry is how these simple words and short poems (or long poems) can make you feel so hard. Everyone feels them a little differently, but they can impact you so intensely and I love that about them. There was one poem my mom started reading to me that brought me to tears, another that made me laugh so hard my stomach hurt, one that made me feel strong and empowered, and another that brought in waves of nostalgia that made my chest tight. It truly amazes me how just some simple words printed on paper can have so much of an effect on me.

Throughout work today, I’ve been working on filling my fourth and largest journal with poetry that spoke to me, and I hope to have filled it by the end of the day honestly. As much as I thoroughly enjoy writing all of these poems down, I also find great pleasure in looking through them later on at the things I selected to write down. I’m even starting to remember what poems are in what books due to my constant reading of them. I think it’s safe to say I have a slight addiction to poetry, and I love it so so much.

Honestly, I wish I could even understand how this is so therapeutic to me, but it just is. So today, I really just feel like sharing some more poetry with hopes that someone else will be able to appreciate it as much as I have. Today, I’ve been gravitating primarily to Erin Hanson’s stuff, so that’s what I’m gonna share with you guys. (These aren’t my absolute favorites, but they’re what captured my heart and mind today.)

xx – A

P.S. For those of you who read my blogs, I cannot even begin to tell you how much I appreciate it. And if they do something for you, then that means everything in the world to me.

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This is one of my mom’s favorites.

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The Future

We’ve all thought about the future; we all think about the future constantly. We think about what we’re going to do after work or school, about what we’re going to eat for dinner, or even what task we’re going to start on next after finishing the current one. Humans are creatures who are always thinking about the future; whether or not that’s a good think, I don’t know. It just is.

One thing I know for sure is the importance of creating and cultivating plans for your future to look forward to and work towards. If you’re going to school day in and day out, why are you doing it? To get a degree, yes, but what next? You need to form goals for yourself to work towards so that you have a reason for doing what you’re doing. The same goes for those who work jobs, they’re making money, but for what? Yeah, you have to pay bills and have money to live, but what else are you doing with your hard earned cash? Make plans!

Looking forward to big events is important, but it’s the little joys that we look forward to that really keeps us going. Those dinner plans you made with a friend the other day? You know? The ones you’ve been looking forward to all week? Your excitement about this one simple thing keeps your mood up, and essentially gives you something to live for. Even little things like going to the gym after work, or making it through half the day and getting to take a break and eat lunch. Little joys like this get us from one point to the next.

My favorite kind of things to look forward to though, are weekend activities or vacations. (I know I can’t be the only one!) I have this weird way of getting depressed about the future unless I have plans in the future to look forward to. Things like Saturday hikes or weekend trips to NYC are things I can plan and look forward to. Now, the NYC thing hasn’t necessarily been set in stone just yet, but it’s a goal for me to work towards. I have to save money to buy a flight to get there, and once I do that, I can have solid plans.

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As someone who has an ongoing battle with depression and anxiety, I have found ways to keep myself afloat. I keep busy, and I keep looking forward. I’ll continue doing this, until I find myself in a place where I don’t have to work to make plans, they’ll just come naturally. I have been broken and beat down in so many ways, but my determination to not let life just happen to me is what’s keeping me going. I will be in charge of my life, and I refuse to let myself be controlled by life’s shitty events, and instead would rather take charge of my own life. Making plans is my way of doing that.

Do things that keep you going. Always.

xx – A