Happy. Blissfully happy.

Posted on April 26, 2018April 26, 2018 Posted in personal developmentTagged anxiety, depression, exercise, feelings, fitness, happy, health, keep it cleaner, KIC, life, lifestyle, mental health, personal development, wellness4 Comments

I realized something yesterday. Something amazing.

As I was finishing up my workout (courtesy of the KIC program), I started thinking about the rest of the things I had to do before I could go to bed–fold laundry, eat dinner, shower, paint my nails, tidy up, things like that. I got this warm feeling inside me, and I couldn’t quite place what it was until later. I was literally standing in the shower when it hit me: now, in this moment, is the happiest I have been in so long. Longer than I can remember. In that moment, I realized I am the least stressed, least dependant, most healthy, and happiest I have been in years. Not weeks. Not months. Years. I wish I was exaggerating about that too, but sadly, I am not.

This realization hit me like a freaking wall and it kind of shook me to my core. All of the things that used to stress me out regularly are no longer a part of my life, whether they were school-related, money-related, people-related, or whatever else. They’re no longer an issue. My life has gone from something I didn’t necessarily have full control over, to one that I am so proud to call totally and completely mine.
Don’t get me wrong, I still stress over stuff all the time, but the things I stress about are things I can control. So I fix them. I work through all of the things stressing me out until the stress is gone. I still stress about money, but working full-time makes that stress manageable compared to when I was in college and having less than $100 in my account was standard. I support myself, I control my life, I do the things I want to do and avoid the things I don’t, I have an amazing routine, and I. Am. Happy.

For so long, I struggled with pretty bad depression and anxiety (I still do), but I am getting a handle on those things now. The depression has gone from something I dealt with daily to something that just pops up every now and then. But I know how to handle it now. I know what to do to right myself and move past it. Anxiety is something I feel I will always deal with, but I’ve reduced the number of things in my life that cause anxiety, so I have a good handle on that as well. Guys, I have an actual handle on my life now. It feels amazing. I have so many things going for me, I can’t help but feel blessed.

Honestly, I owe part of this emotional success to a workout routine. I maintained my own routine for about a month before I joined KIC, and things have only gone up since joining. The community I am a part of is SO INSPIRING. It feels so good and so empowering to be a part of it. Working out hard helps me to keep my stress levels at a manageable level, as well as release those fantastic happy endorphins that I love.

I am living my life for me. No one else. Right now, in this moment, I am the best version of myself I have been in a long time. I am so proud of how far I have come.

xx – A

P.S. I dyed my hair pink and I want it to stay forever. And yes I was snapping and driving, but I was stuck in traffic. So it’s okay. 🙂

Freakin’ Poetry, Man

Posted on April 6, 2018April 12, 2018 Posted in personal development, poetryTagged e.h., emotion, erin hanson, feelings, journal, lang leav, mental health, personal, personal development, poem, poet, poetry, thoughtsLeave a comment

“If a poem hasn’t ripped apart your soul: you haven’t experienced poetry.”
-Edgar Allen Poe

It’s such a therapeutic thing for me. I know I’ve said it before, but seriously when my mind feels like it’s spiralling inward, I just try to focus on copying down poems into a journal and it calms me. It centers me. My emotions are no longer fluctuating sporadically, but rather are at the mercy of whatever I am reading and writing in that moment. I zone out and feel whatever the poet wants me to feel, and I absolutely love it. I love it so damn much.

I cooked dinner and drank wine with a friend who is also a fan of poetry last night, and she recommended some poets for me to check out. I wasn’t a huge fan of all of them, but one stood out to me once I started doing some digging–Lang Leav. I had read some of her stuff before, but I never truly immersed myself in her work. Until today.

And holy shit, I am enamored. Her poetry is almost too emotionally powerful for me to read sometimes–it’s insane! I have actually had to sit back and close my journal a few times because I needed to take another minute or two to consider what I had just read.

Small detail, I rarely read an entire poem before I decide to write it down. I tend to read just the title and first few lines, then I start copying it down. This makes it that much more powerful as I figure out what it’s really about as I go along. Some poems take a twist that I didn’t expect, and some are exactly what I expect them to be. I am constantly baffled by poetry’s ability to fluctuate so heavily.

I also don’t just copy down every poem I see. I am actually fairly critical of the things I want to dedicate my time and energy to copying down. They have to make me feel and I have to find a way to really relate to them right now. So lately, I haven’t had any inclination whatsoever to write down any sappy love poems even though I’ve read some truly beautiful ones. They’re not what I want to read right now.

So anyways, here’s some poems that I felt like sharing today. Some are from Lang Leav and the other are from my favorite, Erin Hanson (or “e.h.”).

Enjoy!

xx – A

More Poetry

Posted on April 2, 2018April 17, 2018 Posted in personal development, poetryTagged advice, atticus, blog, erin hanson, feelings, mental health, personal, personal development, poet, poetry, quotes, therapy, thoughts4 Comments

Sorry if this is uninteresting, it’s been such a focus in my life right now, I can’t even go a day without wanting (needing?) to read some poetry. It’s just so soothing, okay?!

This past weekend was Easter weekend, obviously, and my mom got me the most amazing gift–a book of poems by the poet Atticus, who as you know if you read my last blog, is one of my favorites. I didn’t go through it immediately after she gave it to me, I have certain moments during the day in which I like to read poetry. Instead of me going through it, my mom offered to thumb through and read some of the poems to me, which I readily accepted. (Having poems read to you is almost as great as writing them down yourself.)

You see, the thing I love about poetry is how these simple words and short poems (or long poems) can make you feel so hard. Everyone feels them a little differently, but they can impact you so intensely and I love that about them. There was one poem my mom started reading to me that brought me to tears, another that made me laugh so hard my stomach hurt, one that made me feel strong and empowered, and another that brought in waves of nostalgia that made my chest tight. It truly amazes me how just some simple words printed on paper can have so much of an effect on me.

Throughout work today, I’ve been working on filling my fourth and largest journal with poetry that spoke to me, and I hope to have filled it by the end of the day honestly. As much as I thoroughly enjoy writing all of these poems down, I also find great pleasure in looking through them later on at the things I selected to write down. I’m even starting to remember what poems are in what books due to my constant reading of them. I think it’s safe to say I have a slight addiction to poetry, and I love it so so much.

Honestly, I wish I could even understand how this is so therapeutic to me, but it just is. So today, I really just feel like sharing some more poetry with hopes that someone else will be able to appreciate it as much as I have. Today, I’ve been gravitating primarily to Erin Hanson’s stuff, so that’s what I’m gonna share with you guys. (These aren’t my absolute favorites, but they’re what captured my heart and mind today.)

xx – A

P.S. For those of you who read my blogs, I cannot even begin to tell you how much I appreciate it. And if they do something for you, then that means everything in the world to me.