Happy. Blissfully happy.

I realized something yesterday. Something amazing.

As I was finishing up my workout (courtesy of the KIC program), I started thinking about the rest of the things I had to do before I could go to bed–fold laundry, eat dinner, shower, paint my nails, tidy up, things like that. I got this warm feeling inside me, and I couldn’t quite place what it was until later. I was literally standing in the shower when it hit me: now, in this moment, is the happiest I have been in so long. Longer than I can remember. In that moment, I realized I am the least stressed, least dependant, most healthy, and happiest I have been in years. Not weeks. Not months. Years. I wish I was exaggerating about that too, but sadly, I am not.

This realization hit me like a freaking wall and it kind of shook me to my core. All of the things that used to stress me out regularly are no longer a part of my life, whether they were school-related, money-related, people-related, or whatever else. They’re no longer an issue. My life has gone from something I didn’t necessarily have full control over, to one that I am so proud to call totally and completely mine.
Don’t get me wrong, I still stress over stuff all the time, but the things I stress about are things I can control. So I fix them. I work through all of the things stressing me out until the stress is gone. I still stress about money, but working full-time makes that stress manageable compared to when I was in college and having less than $100 in my account was standard. I support myself, I control my life, I do the things I want to do and avoid the things I don’t, I have an amazing routine, and I. Am. Happy.

For so long, I struggled with pretty bad depression and anxiety (I still do), but I am getting a handle on those things now. The depression has gone from something I dealt with daily to something that just pops up every now and then. But I know how to handle it now. I know what to do to right myself and move past it. Anxiety is something I feel I will always deal with, but I’ve reduced the number of things in my life that cause anxiety, so I have a good handle on that as well. Guys, I have an actual handle on my life now. It feels amazing. I have so many things going for me, I can’t help but feel blessed.

Honestly, I owe part of this emotional success to a workout routine. I maintained my own routine for about a month before I joined KIC, and things have only gone up since joining. The community I am a part of is SO INSPIRING. It feels so good and so empowering to be a part of it. Working out hard helps me to keep my stress levels at a manageable level, as well as release those fantastic happy endorphins that I love.

I am living my life for me. No one else. Right now, in this moment, I am the best version of myself I have been in a long time. I am so proud of how far I have come.

xx – A

P.S. I dyed my hair pink and I want it to stay forever. And yes I was snapping and driving, but I was stuck in traffic. So it’s okay. 🙂

 

Freakin’ Poetry, Man

If a poem hasn’t ripped apart your soul: you haven’t experienced poetry.”
-Edgar Allen Poe


It’s such a therapeutic thing for me. I know I’ve said it before, but seriously when my mind feels like it’s spiralling inward, I just try to focus on copying down poems into a journal and it calms me. It centers me. My emotions are no longer fluctuating sporadically, but rather are at the mercy of whatever I am reading and writing in that moment. I zone out and feel whatever the poet wants me to feel, and I absolutely love it. I love it so damn much.

I cooked dinner and drank wine with a friend who is also a fan of poetry last night, and she recommended some poets for me to check out. I wasn’t a huge fan of all of them, but one stood out to me once I started doing some digging–Lang Leav. I had read some of her stuff before, but I never truly immersed myself in her work. Until today.

And holy shit, I am enamored. Her poetry is almost too emotionally powerful for me to read sometimes–it’s insane! I have actually had to sit back and close my journal a few times because I needed to take another minute or two to consider what I had just read.

Small detail, I rarely read an entire poem before I decide to write it down. I tend to read just the title and first few lines, then I start copying it down. This makes it that much more powerful as I figure out what it’s really about as I go along. Some poems take a twist that I didn’t expect, and some are exactly what I expect them to be. I am constantly baffled by poetry’s ability to fluctuate so heavily.

I also don’t just copy down every poem I see. I am actually fairly critical of the things I want to dedicate my time and energy to copying down. They have to make me feel and I have to find a way to really relate to them right now. So lately, I haven’t had any inclination whatsoever to write down any sappy love poems even though I’ve read some truly beautiful ones. They’re not what I want to read right now.

So anyways, here’s some poems that I felt like sharing today. Some are from Lang Leav and the other are from my favorite, Erin Hanson (or “e.h.”).

Enjoy!

xx – A

0ce1da47f30f1cc4fce463b7a247249d4a1ca8013d5eadd8e50ac171c1b62e276af59a9bd41bda0258c643380290f0b108592bb3e7264caeff5ed32b2bb5c761af6bbbfaa736417254adbc3919a0d499b3133207987593b32214c451ea5a1abfc18e95a18c7cfbdc5b5335d3575c08a1

More Poetry

Sorry if this is uninteresting, it’s been such a focus in my life right now, I can’t even go a day without wanting (needing?) to read some poetry. It’s just so soothing, okay?! 

This past weekend was Easter weekend, obviously, and my mom got me the most amazing gift–a book of poems by the poet Atticus, who as you know if you read my last blog, is one of my favorites. I didn’t go through it immediately after she gave it to me, I have certain moments during the day in which I like to read poetry. Instead of me going through it, my mom offered to thumb through and read some of the poems to me, which I readily accepted. (Having poems read to you is almost as great as writing them down yourself.)

You see, the thing I love about poetry is how these simple words and short poems (or long poems) can make you feel so hard. Everyone feels them a little differently, but they can impact you so intensely and I love that about them. There was one poem my mom started reading to me that brought me to tears, another that made me laugh so hard my stomach hurt, one that made me feel strong and empowered, and another that brought in waves of nostalgia that made my chest tight. It truly amazes me how just some simple words printed on paper can have so much of an effect on me.

Throughout work today, I’ve been working on filling my fourth and largest journal with poetry that spoke to me, and I hope to have filled it by the end of the day honestly. As much as I thoroughly enjoy writing all of these poems down, I also find great pleasure in looking through them later on at the things I selected to write down. I’m even starting to remember what poems are in what books due to my constant reading of them. I think it’s safe to say I have a slight addiction to poetry, and I love it so so much.

Honestly, I wish I could even understand how this is so therapeutic to me, but it just is. So today, I really just feel like sharing some more poetry with hopes that someone else will be able to appreciate it as much as I have. Today, I’ve been gravitating primarily to Erin Hanson’s stuff, so that’s what I’m gonna share with you guys. (These aren’t my absolute favorites, but they’re what captured my heart and mind today.)

xx – A

P.S. For those of you who read my blogs, I cannot even begin to tell you how much I appreciate it. And if they do something for you, then that means everything in the world to me.

4a02807e564f20ebe551bd7528e74ae1
This is one of my mom’s favorites.

7cf16abe54d51a2911be0c62ed1fa3dd58174a794e0b25a0b51b073f3121c2873020f2b3d0013b51d39229f086d6f665a8016d6fbdf3e5967cb64e146d7cf738dbbb7bc262ce23155427974cf75e8245tumblr_nrx7hrBG2I1r0r0vvo1_500books

Poetry

Alright, so it’s been a minute since I’ve blogged. Things have been a bit chaotic lately; I’ve been keeping busier during work and then working out after work, so that hasn’t left much time for blogging. (I usually do my blogging while at work, since I usually have some breaks during the day once I’ve caught up or gotten ahead in the things I need to do.)

So, I’ve decided I really wanna tell y’all about my newest coping mechanism when my thoughts are completely overwhelming me. 

It all started when I was getting really interested in quotes and things of that nature. I had this pretty journal at my desk that I wasn’t using at all because, quite frankly, I wasn’t sure what I wanted to use it for. It wasn’t good for work notes or things like that. Then it hit me–I wanted to start writing quotes in it. So i started doing exactly that. I would search the internet for quotes (usually Pinterest) and when I found one that kind of spoke to me emotionally, I would write it down. I kept it to one quote per page so as to not make it look too cluttered. But after doing that for a few quotes, I wasn’t satisfied with what I was finding. It wasn’t deep enough. That led to me stumbling upon and falling in love with poetry. Man, have I gotten myself addicted to reading the beautiful, eloquent words that someone else writes that always seem to explain how I’m feeling better than I can explain myself.

I filled that notebook that same day, writing one poem per page (front and back) and realized I would need a new notebook very soon. I had stumbled upon my very own therapy. The following night, I found a notebook in my apartment that would suit my needs perfectly and started filling that one as well. One thing led to another, and next thing I know, I have filled 3 notebooks completely with poetry. I used a composition book one day because I was at work and that’s all I could get my hands on at the time, and I really needed my therapy that day.

Now, I’m not writing my own poetry or anything, I’m finding poems that speak to me, and writing them down. I feel like I understand it so much more deeply when I have to actually write it down–I love it so much!

So now that I’ve explained my recent obsession/therapy/passion whatever you want to call it, I’d like to share some of my favorite poet’s poetry with you guys. As I wrote and wrote, I found that there were certain people that I was enjoying more frequently and have since gravitated to their work.

My favorite poets are:
– e.h. (Erin Hanson)
– r.h. Sin
– rupi kaur
– atticus
– bridgett devoue
– nikita gill
– r.m. drake

Currently, my absolute favorite is Erin Hanson. The rhyming used just speaks to me. I’m going to attach a picture of my favorite poem of her’s below. She has a ton, so choosing a favorite has been difficult, but I find myself coming back to this one repeatedly. It’s just so profound! Below her, I’ll attach some poems I like by all of the other poets just so you can check them out. I hope you enjoy reading these, because I sure as hell do.

It’s so therapeutic.

xx – A
e.h.r.h. Sinrupi kauratticusbridgett devouenikita gillr.m. drake

 

The Future

We’ve all thought about the future; we all think about the future constantly. We think about what we’re going to do after work or school, about what we’re going to eat for dinner, or even what task we’re going to start on next after finishing the current one. Humans are creatures who are always thinking about the future; whether or not that’s a good think, I don’t know. It just is.

One thing I know for sure is the importance of creating and cultivating plans for your future to look forward to and work towards. If you’re going to school day in and day out, why are you doing it? To get a degree, yes, but what next? You need to form goals for yourself to work towards so that you have a reason for doing what you’re doing. The same goes for those who work jobs, they’re making money, but for what? Yeah, you have to pay bills and have money to live, but what else are you doing with your hard earned cash? Make plans!

Looking forward to big events is important, but it’s the little joys that we look forward to that really keeps us going. Those dinner plans you made with a friend the other day? You know? The ones you’ve been looking forward to all week? Your excitement about this one simple thing keeps your mood up, and essentially gives you something to live for. Even little things like going to the gym after work, or making it through half the day and getting to take a break and eat lunch. Little joys like this get us from one point to the next.

My favorite kind of things to look forward to though, are weekend activities or vacations. (I know I can’t be the only one!) I have this weird way of getting depressed about the future unless I have plans in the future to look forward to. Things like Saturday hikes or weekend trips to NYC are things I can plan and look forward to. Now, the NYC thing hasn’t necessarily been set in stone just yet, but it’s a goal for me to work towards. I have to save money to buy a flight to get there, and once I do that, I can have solid plans.

airplane

As someone who has an ongoing battle with depression and anxiety, I have found ways to keep myself afloat. I keep busy, and I keep looking forward. I’ll continue doing this, until I find myself in a place where I don’t have to work to make plans, they’ll just come naturally. I have been broken and beat down in so many ways, but my determination to not let life just happen to me is what’s keeping me going. I will be in charge of my life, and I refuse to let myself be controlled by life’s shitty events, and instead would rather take charge of my own life. Making plans is my way of doing that.

Do things that keep you going. Always.

xx – A